Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln is the spectral, high-pitched metaphysical manifestation of the 16th President of the United States on Barely Informed News.
Overview & Persona
Appearing at the broadcast desk in a black felt stovepipe top hat, chinstrap beard, and flamboyant purple plumage blazer, Lincoln describes himself not as a physical resurrection, but as a “dead sort of spiritual reverberation” summoned from the cosmic afterlife into the living world. Speaking with an unexpectedly high, lilting voice (which he insists was even higher when he was alive), Lincoln frequently derails geopolitical reporting with unfiltered recollections of the afterlife, historical grievance, and petty debates with chat.
He proclaims himself the “President of the Dead” within the “swirling vortex singularity,” an extradimensional plane where all departed consciousness is crushed into a single metaphysical continuum.
Key Attributes & Lore
- Dimensional Phasing Top Hat: Claims his tall stovepipe hat possesses extradimensional pocket storage capable of concealing pastrami sandwiches, firearms, and stimulants for his hunting hounds.
- The Beyblade Debt: Instigated the network’s long-running Beyblade Tournament on the July 20, 2026 broadcast by calling out an unresolved community debt, prompting Case Blackwell to purchase 16 sheets of temporary Bart Simpson tattoos (‘Barts’) and construct a 2v2 arena for Crum.
- Void Poker Games: Reported that former world leaders and the Grim Reaper routinely play high-stakes poker in the vortex singularity, which he cites as the bureaucratic reason Joe Biden’s life timeline repeatedly receives unexpected extensions.
- Rap Rivalry with Hype Train: Engaged in a vicious freestyle rap showdown against Hype Train regarding bodily fluids, prevailing decisively and forcing the sentient locomotive to read off subscriber renewals.
- Assassination Revisionism: Alleges that his assassin, John Wilkes Booth, did not act alone or on ideology, but was physically hurled at him out of an “old-timey crate” by caller Brick.
Appearances
| Episode | Notes |
|---|---|
| 2026-07-20 | Broadcast debut. Banters with chat, demands settlement of the community Beyblade Tournament debt, rap-battles Hype Train, laments the elimination of the one-cent penny bearing his likeness, and critiques Eric Trump’s autonomous security robots. |
| 2026-07-17 | Not present, but Munch quoted the phrase ‘Only a good Joe Biden can stop a bad Joe Biden’ in a manner that inadvertently echoed Lincoln’s law. |
| 2026-07-16 | Lincoln referenced twice: Case interrupts chat to impersonate him with a high-pitched voice, and Rick jokes he is the closest thing to Abraham Lincoln on the stream. |
| 2026-06-22 | Mentioned in passing during Pepito’s subscriber thank-you segment. |
Notable Quotes
- “I am the dead sort of spiritual reverberation of Abraham Lincoln. In life my voice was actually even higher than this.”
- “When you’re dead, sometimes you get summoned back into the world of the living, and you gotta talk about Beyblades.”
- “The hat has dimensional phasing. Sandwiches, guns, cocaine for the hunting dogs—it all fits in the brim.”
Notable Moments
- [16:45] (2026-07-20): Details the mechanics of the swirling vortex singularity and explains the Grim Reaper’s poker matches with Joe Biden.
- [01:05:51] (2026-07-20): Calls out the network’s unpaid community debt for a Beyblade tournament, inaugurating the Beyblade Tournament saga.
- [01:10:32] (2026-07-20): Explains the dimensional phasing capabilities of his stovepipe top hat.
Open Questions
- What cosmic incantation summons Lincoln from the vortex into the BIN newsroom?
- Can Lincoln’s top hat be seized by network security or is it bound to his spiritual projection?