Gooters
Gooters is the premier fast-casual dining and poultry sponsor of Barely Informed News. Marketed in-universe as a “male version of Hooters,” the franchise has achieved legendary notoriety across the broadcast for its aggressively liquid-heavy, unapologetically unhygienic, and structurally precarious chicken delicacies.
Its official corporate motto is delivered with solemn reverence across commercial dispatches:
“Gooters: Damn them some wet ass wings.”
Corporate Concept & Atmosphere
Conceived as a hyper-masculine counterpart to traditional sports breastaurants, Gooters emphasizes uninhibited caloric indulgence, saturated fats, and high-moisture finger foods. The restaurants feature moist communal seating, industrial floor drains, and waitstaff trained in aggressive napkin rationing.
The brand maintains an exclusive promotional partnership with the network’s resident gaming correspondent Brandon (CryptoZeu$), whose retro playthroughs are routinely hijacked by on-screen sponsor banners and frantic order requests shouted through the bedroom door by his mother.
Culinary Offerings & Delicacies
Gooters’ menu eschews conventional poultry standards in favor of proprietary, fluid-drenched specialty items:
- Mayo-Soaked Chicken Skins: Deep-fried chicken epidermis submerged in warm commercial mayonnaise, priced at $5 a piece.
- Big Fat Wet Wet Sloppy Chicken Fingers: Heavily breaded tenders drenched in room-temperature broth and sauce until structurally compromised.
- Wet Wet Dipped Roast Beef Curtain Sandwiches: Double-submerged deli cuts served on saturated torpedo rolls.
- Chicken Ankles & Dino Fries: Deep-fried lower cartilage clusters served alongside breaded dinosaur-shaped potato starch.
- Herniated Cheese Discs: Over-pressurized fried mozzarella pucks that rupture upon contact.
- The Potato Turducken: A centerpiece novelty dish consisting of a massive baked russet potato stuffed with three layers of poultry offal and concealing a genuine crisp $20 bill inside the core.
- Moist Kitten Poppers: A seasonal Halloween delicacy shaped like fried candy corn.
Distribution & Live Spectacles
- The “Wet Nugget Stream” Subscription: A recurring delivery tier where subscribers receive recurring home dispatches of hot poultry delivered directly into sealed plastic “wet storage bins.”
- Gooters on Ice: A heavily promoted, ticketed arena spectacle combining competitive figure skating with open-vat deep frying and tableside poultry tossing.
- The Town Hall Drive-Through Dispute: During the July 20, 2026 broadcast, local municipal zoning for a proposed 24-hour Gooters drive-through was raised at the community town hall, only to be promptly shot down by Hate Sock snarling: “You wish. Dumbass.”
Commercial Dispatches & Appearances
| Episode | Segment | Dispatch Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 2026-07-20 | News / CryptoZeu$ | Proposed drive-through debated at the Hate Sock Town Hall. Later featured as primary underwriter for Brandon’s Super Mario Bros. 3 marathon. |
| 2026-07-23 | The Jo Rogen Experience | Lead-in commercial bumper promoting the original wet wings meal plan before the two-Joe Rogan interview. |
| 2026-08-04 | CryptoZeu$ / Amongst the Web | Promo run for the ‘all ankle’ promotion with free bucket of chicken ankles; Pepito requests chicken ankles slid under Brandon’s door. |
| 2026-08-06 | CryptoZeu$ | 50% discount advertised on wet dipped roast beef curtain sandwiches during retro gaming. |
| 2026-08-08 | CryptoZeu$ | Brandon’s mother repeatedly heckles him through the bedroom door regarding ordering 35 Gooters family meals and storing soda in rubber socks. |
| 2026-08-19 | CryptoZeu$ | Multiple wing dispatches interrupt TurboGrafx-16 Obocama-kun gameplay. |
| 2026-08-26 | CryptoZeu$ | Commercial spot unveils wet storage bins, the $20-stuffed potato turducken, herniated cheese discs, and moist kitten poppers. |
| 2026-09-01 | CryptoZeu$ | Sponsor card promotes mayo-soaked chicken skins ($5 a piece) during Wario Land 4 session. |
| 2026-09-07 | CryptoZeu$ | Labor Day promotional spot for $59.99 soggy cola-dipped chicken skins (‘Damn them some wet-ass wings’) during Intelligent Qube dispatch. |
| 2026-09-02 | CryptoZeu$ | Live commercial read delivered over Jill of the Jungle DOS gameplay. |